Facts matter more than feelings

This rise of mental health and my naiveté have led me to overvaluing others’ feelings.

I’ve had the unfortunate experience of meeting many liars in the past few years who successfully confused me with their feelings that I struggled to lay out the facts. Those experiences were so stressful that I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I still struggle with them when I’m with abusers. There are many abusers who yell to intimidate or control others out there. There are abusers who will lie to get what they want. There are abusers who will cheat to get what they want. There are abusers who will steal to get what they want. There are abusers who weaponize nice words to make their abuse discreet. There are abusers who will do never acknowledge the wrongs as to put the burden of consequences onto their victims.

I believe we need to document these incidents and litigate them better to reduce our toxic culture.

Otherwise, I’m ready to run into the woods and never leave.

—

update as of July 1, 2026.

ChatGPT wrote this:

“One common pattern in emotionally abusive or controlling behavior is that the person’s feelings become treated as if they are objective facts. Their emotions are real—they genuinely may feel hurt, angry, jealous, or threatened—but they use those feelings to define reality for everyone else.

Here are some examples of what that looks like:

“I feel betrayed, therefore you betrayed me.”

Feeling: “I feel hurt.”

Claimed fact: “You were disloyal.”

Reality: Someone can feel hurt even if no betrayal occurred.

“I feel ignored, therefore you don’t care about me.”

Feeling: loneliness.

Claimed fact: the other person is uncaring.

Reality: There may be many explanations—being busy, misunderstanding expectations, different communication styles.

“I’m angry, therefore you must have done something wrong.”

Anger becomes proof of someone else’s guilt.

“I’m jealous, therefore you must be cheating.”

Suspicion becomes “evidence.”

Healthy people usually separate these ideas:

“I feel hurt. Let’s figure out what happened.”

An abusive person is more likely to say:

“I feel hurt, so I already know what happened.”

Why this happens

Several motives or habits can contribute:

They have difficulty tolerating uncomfortable emotions.

They believe emotions are infallible guides to truth.

They avoid uncertainty by creating a simple explanation.

They shift responsibility for regulating their emotions onto others.

In more manipulative cases, it can become a way to gain control or avoid accountability.

Not everyone who does this is intentionally abusive. Many people occasionally confuse feelings with facts. The pattern becomes abusive when it is persistent and used to dominate, intimidate, or invalidate someone else.

Common tactics

Someone privileging feelings over facts might:

Dismiss objective evidence because “that’s not how I feel.”

Rewrite conversations to fit their emotional narrative.

Demand apologies without discussing what actually happened.

Refuse to consider alternative explanations.

Escalate disagreements until others give in just to restore peace.

Accuse the other person of “arguing” whenever they provide facts.

Over time, the other person may start doubting their own memory or judgment, especially if their perspective is repeatedly dismissed.

Healthy alternative

In healthy relationships, both people’s internal experiences matter, but neither person’s feelings automatically determine reality.

A healthier conversation sounds like:

“I felt rejected when you didn’t text me back.”

“Can you help me understand what happened?”

“My feelings are valid, but they may not tell the whole story.”

That approach acknowledges emotions without treating them as conclusive evidence.

A useful distinction

One of the most important relationship skills is learning the difference between:

Facts: Observable events that multiple people can often verify.

“You replied two days later.”

“The meeting started at 3 p.m.”

Interpretations: The meaning we assign to those facts.

“You don’t respect me.”

“You were trying to punish me.”

Feelings: Our emotional response.

“I felt lonely.”

“I felt anxious.”

“I felt embarrassed.”

Healthy communication recognizes all three categories without confusing them. Feelings deserve acknowledgment and care, but they don’t, by themselves, establish what happened or what another person intended.”